ask me some questions.. it is Tuesday isn’t it?

Nana, 

You are one of the greatest people in my life. Things have been so crazy since you left this world. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do I have so much to share with you. I never know where to start with things like this. I can’t think of all of it without my head feeling like it’s going to explode. I wish you could have gotten to know Jeff better. I think you would have truly adored him. Nana he makes this world a better place just like you. There are so few good people left int his world. I know you never got to meet Camber. But you would have loved her too. That little girl has wrapped herself around my heart and squeezed it. I hope she never lets go. I love you. You brightened up everyone, you brought out the best in every person who came across your path. I can’t tell you how amazing you are and that I hope you are in a better place. I’m pretty sure I am still in denial. I can’t really honestly believe that you are gone. There is no way. You were supposed to live forever. But, I know you are with the love of your life and you can finally be truly happy. I know I’m being extremely selfish but. the only persons feelings I care about right now are yours. I’ve learned over the years family isn’t always blood but sometimes I feel you are the only one in the family that ever understood me. We had a bond that no one can break.You have one of the best heads a set of shoulders could hold. I know that in time all this will get better but time, likes to take his sweet time . Time doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings I’ve never gotten along with time, then again I don’t think anyone does. I miss hearing your old stories , they gave me hope when all hope was lost. You were always there you did what great grandmothers always do best. I was so lucky to know you and be as close as I was to you. Some people never get the chance to know that kind of love. You are so amazing… I’ll always have more to say. I love you so. 

Always, 

Haven Finley.

I keep holding my breath. Physically, thinking that as long as I don’t breathe that things will be alright. That time won’t go by and things won’t change. I keep telling myself to breathe but it’s like my subconscious knows better.  I keep telling myself to hold my breath because maybe then she will come back. 

loqui:

not here
but wherever
you are now
I envy the air

dream of you daily
as you swim away
your body immersed
in the water I wish I was

Puppy got to stay the night. We woke up to her whinning just a little bit ago. We let her outside and she went tinkle and poo outside like the big boys I’m so proud of her. Now she is back in her kennel sound asleep. Such a sweet baby girl.

The words have run dry, like my mouth. My lips cracked and bleeding and my eyes won’t cry. The casket was open and it didn’t look like her. No warm smile, just a super glued frown. Black settled into her hands, stuck grabbing for Jesus I guess. She wore green, and I’ll never forget. Red birds just aren’t the same. There had been no time to leave this stated called denial. No time to linger in bed and stare. Just a lonely woman watching a three year old scream. The blackness hasn’t reached up and caressed my face just yet, and, I find myself missing that. Dreams have been timid and shy not showing there faces, I just want a glimpse of hers. I have the photos scattered all around me, pressing them in books with stickers and quotes. Trying to tell myself it’s all really okay. I say her laying there and I swear to God I saw her breathe. I saw the rise and fall of her chest. I saw her sit up and stand out off the coffin that held her. I saw her walk out the doors into the sun and heat of a wicked Wednesday. But she didn’t. It’s what I wanted to see. And I can’t believe all the people who pretended to care. And as the preacher man stared at me telling me you won’t see her again if I didn’t believe in Jesus I cried. I was scared. I thought of all the times I had renounced God. Was this why she was gone. Is this my punishment. Punishment for not being around more.  I have yet to figure out what makes me more upset; the fact she never got to see my wedding dresses, got to meet Camber or all of the kids I may have in the future. The fact that she didn’t ever really get the chance to get to know my amazing husband. Or the fact that he risked his job to turn around an hour away to come back to me in the most needed of times. Or if it’s the stories I’ll never hear again about how she met petey paw  in the next town over. Or the advice I needed most and didn’t realize. I can’t stand to look myself in the mirror. She would be so ashamed. I haven’t showered in days. Time is selfish and doesn’t care about anyone. It takes lives as it pleases and expects us to have all the time in the world for it to take it’s time helping up move on. I don’t think I could move on even if I tried. Can’t anyone see this. Friday May 10th 2013 was my 22nd birthday 25 minutes into Saturday she took her last breath and I wasn’t there for her. She was alone in that white steralized room. No one held her hand as she went on her decent into the next life. She was always strong. I have always been called strong but when I look back I could never be as strong as her. She will forever be the strongest I have ever known. She went through hell and her face showed it. Her heart and smile were always the brightest thing in a room. And if you ever had a grotesque word to say of her she brushed it off. And I will forever hate you.  I can’t believe the words that man spoke of her while she lay in that stupid casket. And I wonder if she felt it when they burned her body to ash. Does she know how sorry I am that I had no money to help bury her in her rightful place beside her oh so loving husband. I have no words to say, no tears to cry, no patients to be given. I just have my broken heart and memories.

refusaltospeakinpublic:

Death becomes her. Smoke wisps of sorrow surround her. She saunters- no, a pace slower than sauntering, more languorous. Ghosts whisper pretty grey secrets in her pale paper white ears.

Speechless

Its my brithday and i feel horrible.